Waiting....

Opening with a quote today:

We are usually in one of these three situations.

1. We are stressed out because a circumstance is not happening the way our old story perceives it should be happening.

2. We are temporarily happy because a circumstance is happening the way our old story wanted it to happen.

3. We are experiencing true deep fulfillment because we are connecting to this moment and to the truth of what we really are. As we do this, we transcend the need for our circumstances to be any way because our connection is to ourselves. This causes circumstances to change much more rapidly in our favor but we don't care because our connection, truth, happiness are with ourselves, this moment and the universe. We transcend the need for things to change but ironically, that is why things change for the better. We are able to release everything as we connect to the bigger truth. We stop playing small games in the addiction world and expand with the universe in the moment.

All three ways serve a purpose. The first two will repeat themselves over and over until we fully understand they no longer serve us. The third way is where we will all end up, eventually.

-Kyle Cease

I found this in my FaceBook feed today. I feel this is where I almost am, where I want to be. In that sense of deep fulfillment, living in my moment and my truth, without needing anything to change. To be honest, I am happy right now – if I am only coming from my heart and spirit.

In my human mind, though, this is where I want. I want things. I want the new job so that I can make other aspects of my life the way I desire them – not the way my employment dictates. I want to find my own place to live alone, something I never thought I would want so much. I want my own furniture and decorations, my own space that I don’t have to share with anyone unless I choose to. I want that freedom and independence. That sacred space.

I understand that I am allowing this situation with my current job. I understand that I am free to choose to walk out of this job right now and choose something else. I do not feel that getting up and quitting is in alignment with my values, and I need money to live in the world. I don’t feel it’s right to get up and quit with no warning. To me, there’s no honor in that, no integrity.

I know others would disagree – others would say that staying in a job where you don’t feel fulfilled and that isn’t in alignment with your heart and soul is what is lacking in honor and integrity. And I understand what they’re saying. But I don’t feel it’s authentic and responsible of me to quit my job without knowing how I’m going to provide for myself and for my dog Mabel.

I feel like I am close to something – I don’t know if it’s a decision, a realization, a choice, a shift – something. I am close to something but it’s still just beyond my fingertips.

And something else is telling me to relax and back off a little, to just take some time to myself and not worry about it – to not try quite so hard.

I do, though, feel like it’s all of these ideas that have come into my experience recently – like Kyle’s quote above, and these two:

“Who you think you are has not served you.” – Mooji Baba

“God is not ‘close’. He is more here than you are.” – Mooji Baba

But it’s the “who you think you are” quote that’s resonating strongest for me right now.

It seems to have set things niggling and jiggling in me, ideas about how I am looking for this new job, what job I need to look for – where to look…. How I’ve been playing small and looking for less than what I need and deserve … I don’t know.

There’s something out there for me - just barely out of reach. Some message I’m not getting yet.

I sense that – whatever it is – it’s going to require me to disengage from more of the programming I’ve grown up with in this culture, in my experiences, in my family, my education, everything I have been before.

It’s going to require me to be totally different from who I am now, from who I have ever been. AS an aside, I am so glad to say that this knowingness excites me and interests me now, whereas in the past it would have scared the bejesus out of me.

I’m on the cusp of something. I FEEL IT. And that’s why I have to back off and just relax, have fun, take some time to myself to not worry or overthink things. To not try too hard.

Because I also know that the harder I look, the more doggedly I pursue this, the more I worry at it and try to make it come to me, the more it will draw away from me, the longer it will stay just out of reach, and longer it will be before I understand what it is.

The problem is that part of me wants the mystery solved, part of me wants to know what it is that’s floating out there in the ether for me. I want it. I want to know.

It’s my wisdom center, my intuition, my gut, my 6th sense that says – back off, darling. It’s not yet time. You’re not ready.

And I could be wrong about this but I feel like my third eye, 6th sense, gut, intuition are also telling me that this new development that is out there waiting, coalescing, getting ready for me and I for it, also has to do with my picking up my study of Wicca and witchcraft recently. Somehow I feel that this is all intertwined. Not for sure, just a … feeling.

But I trust that feeling.

So we’ll see.