Sometimes I'm Bitter.

This week I discussed the person I used to be and how far I’ve come with one of my oldest friends – this friend has known me since the beginning of our freshman year of high school. We were best friends all through high school, then lost track after graduation. Luckily, we were able to find each other on FaceBook after several years and were able to re-forge our bond. It’s precious and important to me to have connections with people who have known me a long time – they have a different perspective because of the history we share.

Anyway, we were discussing my recent shame epiphany/catharsis, and then got to talking about the person I was in high school. This friend stated that she could never figure out, while we were in high school, why I was always so down on myself, always so self-critical, judgmental, negative. She said that after I told her (within the last few years) that I was molested, everything just snapped into place for her and the person I was made sense.

What does this have to do with bitterness?

Well, if you consider that I was molested when I was 8, went through puberty and high school carrying that around, then graduated and went to college still carrying that around, then graduated college and got into the workforce STILL CARRYING THAT AROUND… let’s do some math… carry the 1… multiply by pi… subtract the sarcasm…

I feel like I have been paying for what Jamie did to me for decades.

I’ve lost DECADES.

No – lost implies this is something I did out of carelessness.

JAMIE STOLE DECADES OF MY LIFE FROM ME.

There. That’s accurate.

I’ve dropped him and his power like third period French, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel upset about the circumstances, about the path my life had to take. I may not care where he is or what he does any longer, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes feel cheated out of my life, out of experiences, out of getting to know people and letting them get to know me.

I feel cheated out of where I could have gone with my career – I never tried for more because I felt ashamed, unworthy, and undeserving of having something that paid well and that I enjoyed. None of which was true. Hey, thanks Jamie.

UGH.

I’m 41. I have carried this around for decades. Only now do I feel like I am starting to really emerge from under the shell of my childhood trauma to be truly, really, honestly FREE from it. I know it’ll always be there – trust me, I don’t need reminding of that. It’ll always be part of my story.

But letting go of the shame that’s been a lead ball in my gut all this time – that was huge. I cannot verbalize what a big deal, what a physical, mental, spiritual, emotional change I feel since feeling that release and dissipate last Thursday.

Like I told my friend, I know this change and healing was coming long before I decided to start studying witchcraft, but I feel like making that decision to go after witchcraft and throwing myself into it really helped speed things along, because it’s incredibly empowering. It’s freeing. It requires discipline and training, yes, but it also allows for an amazing amount of boldness, personal expression, unique interpretation, and creativity.

These are all things I’ve been hungering for, hiding from, burying in myself under all that fucking SHAME.

Shame that doesn’t and never did even BELONG to me. If anyone should have spent the last 30+ years feeling dirty and ashamed, it’s Jamie.

But life hasn’t worked out that way. I’m the one who’s carried those burdens, and only now do I see they were never mine.

Cruel little twist of fate, like a huge paper-cut someone poured lemon juice into.

One side of me loves the person I have become as I overcame my trauma, as I continue to overcome it.

But there’s also an earthy, damaged part of me that’s still bitter about it. About the time lost, about the pain and suffering I have carried – because it seems so ass-backward. Why wasn’t it him? Why didn’t HE have to pay for his actions with most of his life up to this point?

Why was it mine to carry?

*sigh*

This isn’t how I usually feel about my journey. Mostly I’m able to embrace what has come out of it rather than focusing on the negative aspects.

But every once in a while I just seem to come back to this very human place of feeling resentful and bitter that it’s taken up so much of my life.

My friend, in our discussion, said something to the effect that she thinks I might take the length of time it’s taken me to heal up as a character flaw within myself.

She isn’t wrong.But having majored psychology in college,I know that people can't deal with psychological pain until they're ready to do so - pushing too hard too fast risks regression. So I know - at least at some level - I know I dealt with things as I became ready to handle them.

But.

This human part of me that still hurts does sometimes feel and think, “If only I’d been able to confront and deal with this sooner, and get through it FASTER. Look how much I’ve MISSED! How much time WASTED!”

In the past I have tried to shut down those feelings because they hurt. They’re dark.

But now, I’m going to give myself the permission and time to feel them. Feeling this way is just as much part of being me, of my journey, as the healing is. To be honest, it takes less energy and feels a lot more human to just let myself feel this way for a while than it does to try to bypass this darkness in me. Feels more natural.

So I tell myself – you’re right. You WERE cheated. You HAVE suffered through shit and carried shit that wasn’t really ever yours to begin with.

And nothing will ever make that part of it ok.