My Blog Sucks. There, I Said It.

I am monumentally frustrated and feeling totally lost in regards to this blog.

I wanted so badly to write something that someone out there might respond to on an emotional level – I wanted to write something that might help someone heal or inspire them to begin their own healing journey the way I read so many emotional articles when I was going through the worst of my own healing journey. Other people’s writing affected me so deeply I would literally sob over the words – I would feel them penetrate me like physical blows.

But …

My writing seems to fall flat.

One of my closest friends called it “professional.”

Which isn’t bad. But it’s completely, totally NOT what I wanted it to be.

I read this closest friend’s blog and it’s totally different. My friend’s personality shines through it – screams through it. I can see my friend, feel my friend in every word, even the sentence structure and grammar.

My writing isn’t like that – how can I make it so?

Is it that I’m still too much up in my head? That I haven’t made the migration into my heart yet?

My friend says I self-edit too much.

I don’t agree – at least, not my concept of self-editing. I’ve been more vulnerable here on this blog than I have been with most of the nearest and dearest people in my life.

Do I pick my words too carefully? Arrange my thoughts with too much control?

Maybe this is one of those things where, if you have to ask, then you’ll never know the answer.

It hurts. It hurts that I can’t write the way I want to. I’m crying as I sit here and write THIS, for fuck’s sake.

To touch someone with my writing has been such a deep, strong desire in my heart for many years now, and to know that I’m just, frankly, no fucking good at it is a HUGE, bitter, painful pill to swallow.

And what’s more, I don’t know how to GET good at it.

I don’t know whether to face up to failure and accept that this is one goal I’m always going to fall short of, or do I keep writing and hope that eventually I’ll make it into my heartspace and write from there?

*sigh*